we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
sarcasm needs its own font
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
