I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Randomize
