I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
