Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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