3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
