woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
