She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
