he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
