My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
