I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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