Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
