Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
