i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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