my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
