...so i touched it.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
