That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
