Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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