suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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