I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
