there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
