Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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