In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
