Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
So squirting runs in the family.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
