am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
