Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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