take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
