Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i dont even know how to be here
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
