There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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