There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
