Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
organizing the empties. That sober.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
