If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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