Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
