Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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