I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
