i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
