So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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