i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Randomize
