Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
