Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
