Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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