its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
