my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
