something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
