Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
