i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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