i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
