Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The adults are the big ones right?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
