my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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