just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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