trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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