Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
