so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
