i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize