youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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