Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Randomize
