So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
zippers are such a cool invention
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
